Floating Out to Sea

Today was the first day I felt a little clouded at school. The assignment was actually very easy, but for some reason I didn't have the confidence that I've maintained up until now. I feel like I always need just a little push in the right direction to gain momentum, then I'm gold. After class though, I did have a chance to talk to an instructor about it who gave me some feedback and a boost of needed confidence. But despite that, I can't shake this feeling of anxiety today. It's making me fidgety and impatient. Being a humid 95 degrees and rainy outside isn't helping either. I'm not really sure how I got into this funk, either. Grocery shopping and driving in the rain, too.

Grrrrr!

Anyways...

This past weekend, I took some initiative, brought my camera and tripod to the Garlic Festival in Saugerties. Didn't even get to enjoy the event, really. I spent the entirety of my time there shooting footage just for the sake of practicing what I've learned in school so far. It was a good learning experience and I even had enough confidence to get a few sound bytes from random citizens.

Afterward, I joined some friends from in and out of town for a brother's birthday party. Later on feeling ill from dehydration, I left without saying any goodbyes. I'm really disappointed with myself for doing this, but at the same time I felt pressured to leave for other personal reasons. This sort of thing happens all the time and I fear that I am alienating myself more and more from people I only wish to know better. Sometimes I think that there's something really wrong with me because I am always pushing people away, not letting anyone get close. That is not my intention, I just do it subconsciously or impulsively.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism, but it's really not doing me any good.

It doesn't help my relationship with my girlfriend any better either. In fact, there are certain factors of this mental wall that have come close to jeopardizing my relationship recently. And I'm trying extremely hard to overcome it. This blog is actually a bi-product of that intent. The more I can share and put myself out there, the more I feel I am chipping away at this defensive wall I put up.

I want to make new friends and strengthen the friendships that I already have before I drift too far away from everyone.